Transitioning from self-sabotage to self-compassion to reach your full potential.
To improve workplace mental health, we need to rethink how, where, and why we work. That’s why Thinkers 50 and the Silicon Guild are partnering through May for a webinar series called Mind Matters: Mental Wellbeing, Leadership, and Work. Leading experts will host weekly discussions about how to destigmatize mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, and burnout, and rethink workplace practices that harm mental health.
This week’s webinar was called “Be Your Own Best Friend: Tools to Manage Anxiety, Overwhelm, and the Pressure to Be Perfect”. It focused on how to reframe negative self-talk, perfectionism, and self-sabotage, to tap into our full potential.
This session included:
- Sanyin Siang, Professor at Duke, Leader of the Coach K Leadership and Ethics Center, author of “Launch”,
- Lenny Mendonca, Senior Partner Emeritus at McKinsey & Company
- Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of “How to Raise an Adult”, “Your Turn” and Former Stanford Dean of Freshmen and Undergraduate Advising
- Morra Aarons-Mele, Moderator, author of “The Anxious Achiever”
Morra Aarons-Mele opened the session with a meditation from Pascal Eauclair. She asked participants to think of two qualities they really like about themselves ranging anywhere from “I’m solving world peace” to “I make a mean coffee cake”. Then, participants were encouraged to think of two things they’re grateful for, similarly ranging from the mundane to the largescale. She recommended participants do this exercise anytime they face uncertainty, difficulty, or feelings that they aren’t up to the task.
Morra shared results from a recent LinkedIn poll she conducted, where 87% of respondents said they hold themselves to a higher standard than they do others. She suggested that we balance that drive for success but balance it with being a better friend to ourselves.
Sanyin shared her personal journey with starting to see a therapist last spring, with the reflection that we all need help, and our gift to ourselves is being able to accept help. She realized she was overly focused on her deficiencies in comparison to her proficiencies
She discussed how hard many people can be on themselves, that we don’t value what comes easily to us (her work on “superpowers” focuses on this), and that we ruminate on our mistakes long past when they’ve occurred. In order to lead others, we need to lead ourselves first, and learn to love what we tend to.
Striving for mending, over perfection
Sanyin shared the story of a handmade ceramic pot her family had made during one of the last trips they took before the outbreak of COVID-19. When they couldn’t travel during the pandemic, it reminded them of what awaited them on the other side of the crisis. When her young son broke the pot, her family was understandably upset, but they took inspiration form the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken ceramics are patched back together with gold, making a more beautiful end product. She suggests mending our lives with gold: we can’t protect ourselves from breakage, but we can become master menders.
“We’re walking each other home”
A common theme was the need to rely on others for support, especially when a mental health condition precludes you from being able to see the help you need. All speakers commented on how they have relied on their loved ones to help them monitor their mental health, and encourage them to take action when needed. Lenny shared that his family encouraged him to check into treatment, and Julie spoke to the idea of “walking each other home”: caring for each other and recognizing that we all face the same issues.
Lenny spoke of his experience with depression, including being committed to a hospital for 10 days at the beginning of the pandemic.
He cited three factors which helped his recovery:
1. Getting enough sleep, even in incredibly busy work environments.
2. Exercising outside regularly, even “in crappy weather”. The combination of exercise and spending time in nature helps to get distance from the challenges of the present.
3. Telling his story, to encourage others to share their own difficulties. He cited his opinion piece in Cal Matters, which received incredible responses from people thanking him for talking about the topic.
“You can’t hide when you have a broken leg”
Mental health challenges are more hidden than physical health challenges. When you have a broken leg, people will necessarily ask about it. The same does not hold for mental health issues. Still, Lenny frames his recovery from severe depression in the same way he recovered from a broken leg: it was painful, required rehabilitative care, but eventually, he “got back on the bike”.
Get granular about gratitude
It’s important to practice gratitude, but Julie Lythcott-Haims suggests getting very specific about it?—?to not just say that you’re grateful for your health, but you’re grateful for flossing your teeth and what that has done for your dental health. Specificity can help remind you of good things, and that you are more in charge than you think, and as a way to reset when you’re feeling low.
How insecurity affects leadership
Julie discussed the need for leaders?—?both professional leaders in terms of employers, as well as personal leaders in terms of parents?—?to try and find acceptance with themselves. That way, they can better show up for the people they lead. She cited the example of the micromanaging leader or parent, who’s insecure in their own performance to the degree that they need to interfere with their employees and children. Thus, leaders need to work on finding acceptance within themselves. Additionally, leaders also have to recognize that they aren’t responsible for everyone else’s choices. They can give guidance, but the people they lead ultimately make their own choices.
What self-care looks like
Self-care is not just chocolate and bubble baths! Julie discussed her love of competitive puzzles, like Wordle, and the importance of making time to play games like these, even when time is short. Be curious about what you need and why, where that comes from within you, and know that everyone has these building blocks that have made them who they are.
The replay of the full conversation is available on LinkedIn. Be sure to tune in for the third conversation in the Mind Matters series: No More Burnout: How to Fight Back, Find Time, and Stop Letting Tech Win, on Tuesday, May 21 at 11 AM EST.
Be Your Own Best Friend: Tools to Manage Anxiety, Overwhelm, and the Pressure to Be Perfect was originally published in Silicon Guild on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.